I don't know what I'm supposed to write about or where to go with this blog. I'm so many things, a mother, a wife, a twin, a dog lover, a christian, a maniac, etc. This was supposed to just be an outlet for my life, as diverse as it is I'm not sure where to begin. Only one thing comes to mind, focusing on one thing at a time....the substance may seem mish-mosh and uneven. Hence the dysfunctional! First things first...
Parenting: "Squish" and "Tiny" are well. Went to a little birthday party for Z a cute 3 year old kid to my sisters buddy. Brought the whole caravan of girls and it was ok. (minimal screaming, fussiness always, but still got along with everyone, whew!) We were late and it was awkward not knowing anyone. So, of course I felt out of place because I was wearing my old ripped and chains jeans with a well worn faded band tee from my high school days. On top of greasy pony tail hair and bangs I styled myself (haha), wild and untamed flie aways/frizzyness due to the bodacious wind completed the look. Heh. Everyone there was wearing "labeled" and ironed attire. Not that I normally care, but feeling their eyes burn through me as they strain to identify my style and ultimately compare me to their superior taste...yea, judgement is hard to escape in a room full of people who don't know you and who have only your exterior to determine what they think your interior is. Self esteem issue? Yes please! Any hoo, Squishey was for the most part independently playing in Z's play room (which is like the Garden of Eden for kids 5 and younger, Paradise!) and we were playing toss the baby with Tiny, whom by the end of the evening had been held by everyone who attended this low key event. I'm grateful to just get out of the house so it was indeed a good time, but uncomfortable. Wasn't exactly at the top of my game and I know it shouldn't matter but I'm lonely and need new friends damn it! I'm horrible at dating and this felt like a failed attempt at reeling in a potential bestie. Dating by the way, can be platonic. Testing the waters to see if we're buoyant, you know? Was so not prepared but I did get a number! Maybe I'll call in a few days to orchestrate a play date? Can't call too soon, they'll think I'm too needy or even stalkerishy....calling too late may seem a bit like they were a last resort. Gotta do it just right, and that's where I crash and burn! I s-u-c-k at meeting new people and trying to make new friend's is exhausting. Really. Most of my friend's I've had since grade school or met through friend's of friend's. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me?"
Faith: Ok, here's the 411. I was born and raised Roman Catholic, went to parochial school off and on throughout my life and have done everything that's required by the book in the eyes of the Church (all except marriage, needs convalidation). There's a recurring theme in this department and I'm struggling to come to terms with my faith. I'd much rather just be spiritual and morally right. Go from there, see? But that's not how this all goes down, feels like I must choose a side to be accepted in for my beliefs. All christian denominations fit and at the same time none of them fit. So effin weird, I feel sofa king we tod ed. Lutherans seem like they are logically sane, priest can have a wife and family. Roman Catholic 0, Lutherans 1. Yet, Baptists are very much for the Living Word of God versus having a supposed "infallible" man create small print with terms and conditions to ones faith. Baptists 1, Roman Catholic 0. Hmm....nondenominational churches are so empowering and creates such a protective warm blanket of faith to fall back on. Their almost force full, aggressive approach about domestic issues aren't my cup of tea, Catholic church though keeps me sin free in exchange for some one on one time at confession and the occasional donation at Sunday mass. I don't have a clue, the search continues....OH! I'd loooove to be apart of Jews for Jesus! Sadly I found out that one must be first Jewish.....my great grand mother was....can't that count? Makes sense to me, Jesus was a Jew and celebrated Jewish traditions and holidays accordingly. Everything is kosher and Christmas aka Hanukkah is stretched from one night of toy madness to eight! Come on! I think if anything, I should start a Gentiles for Jews for Jesus. Alrighty then!
Love: Virtually non existent except for the occasional texts/emails/im's "i luvs u". Not to say that it's a huge leap from not saying anything at all for the past oh, 8 months. Yea I sure know how to pick 'em. Another topic for another day, because I can assure you it'll be a doozy!
LnG: (Life in General) My newest mantra is "i hate my life" and it's not a suicidal cry for help. It's a misunderstood frustrated remark. What I mean is I hate where my life is and where it's going (dont get me wrong, i appreciate all that i have). Most of all it's my procrastination that's eating me alive, and do a great job of beating myself up every chance I get. Tell you this much, it's easier to be self hating than self loving. Easier also to start to believe what people say about you if it's said enough. I've been stretched too far and have too many things that are solely riding on me. The weight of the world has been blindly placed onto my shoulders and crushing me deep down a dark hole where I can seethe with pessimism. Can't fix anything, let alone finish what I started, nothing is ever left alone or clean and reorganizing repeatedly through out one day is overwhelming. LnG isn't ideal and truth be told as of now it wont get any better. Yawn I know but doing this by yourself isn't a walk in the park. More like a walk in a crowded, messy, sweaty jungle with two monkeys on your back and hidden animals every where that hungry for your flesh, ones that wait for your defenses to drop so they can attack. I'm referring to a lot of people and circumstances here.
Is there any regrets, yea a few. But it's not like I focus on them daily....not usually at least. Recently has just been a stressful time for anyone. Shitty economy, shittier generation.
ps- i just now nodded off on my key board....lol drool much?