Monday, May 18, 2009

Just a quick suggestion....

....and this may seem wrong coming from a christian/catholic/whateverIam, if you can avoid getting married. At least not until you really REALLY know someone. I also suggest that you fall for someone when they're having an off moment, you know not at their best. Because once you see the worst and can survive it ok, you can deffiently follow through with the best.

Marriage to me was huge and important and everything. But if the other partner takes a lax view point about that kind of commitment, it's best to avoid it altogether. Getting a ring or a fancy dress or a nice reception can be done without that kind of leap until you actually KNOW and LOVE them for who they are, no matter what.
-Strange Girl


So no board walk, instead by the time I arrived it was a little late for the youngins to be going out. We just stayed in, bbqed and had some yummy wine while the kids ran around in utter bliss, occasinally eating blue chalk. (and ONLY the blue ones.) That needs to be investigated lol b/e these chitlens thought it was better than crack on a stick hahaha. jk of course.

I am alarmed that my oldest is very much so into kissing people long and hard, mind you she thinks is a vicious knee slapper but I've got this gutt feeling that by the time she's in school, she'll have kissed all the boys before the day is done. She loves giving everyone kisses but at a birthday party her smooching was mainly on her (not related) cousin. They'd snuggle up together and she'd go to town on him, nothing gross or obscene but it was still like "omgosh, should I stop this?" Understandably she has not a clue as to what any of it implies, she just loves to love. Once the little boy (God bless his heart) got uncomfortable and was no longer giggleing along I ripped her off of him, "Ha, ha ok sweetie, thats enough. Give mommy kiss, not him!" lol Wow, it's begun and I'm just in awe. Too many disney flicks, damn you Walt!!! Not even 2 yet and she's a hopeless romantic. We're screwed. <3 style="font-style: italic;">this too shall pass....please?)

My hubby will be home soon, for good. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this one. This past year he's been distant, emotionally abusive, greedy, selfish and deceptive. The list could actually go on to a decent sized paragraph about what he's actually been to me buuut that would be me bitching, like I don't already do that enough? All I can say is this, it's one thing to have a one night stand, and it's another to cruelily try to throw away your whole family for another woman you've been having an affair with for the past year plus. Not to mention telling her we were already divorced and saying he never wanted anything to do with the baby that was still baking in my womb. Yea, he told everyone once they found out I was expecting again (I was about 7 months along and they had no idea, gee you would think a father would be thrilled about it) that it wasn't his fault I got knocked up and it was all my idea. Ha, and even better, I was apparently sleeping with my creepy next door neighbor (someone who I've had to call the police on twice) while carrying his unborn child and taking care of the other one. Yea. He randomly told me out of the blue through an email that he wanted a divorce because he wanted to be happy, he was doing what was best for him and that he's following his heart. Swore up and down that he wasn't leaving for anyone else......yet that's what was really going on. To make it so much worse, it put me in the hospital at 5 months pregnant because I was devastated and they couldn't find the heart beat.....they thought I had miscarried. Yup.

So, that was just the beginning but I don't wanna go into it fully just yet. Only because I'm already shacking trying to get this all out, it still hurts tremendously and it would be a very long and hard task, another time?

That's why I'm so ehh about his homecoming. Tigers don't change their stripes, once a cheater always a cheater, sex addicts have no cure, take your pick. I don't know personally though. No one is perfect and you can't accept people in slices, you gotta take the good and the bad with anyone in your life. The Heavenly Father knows I'm nowhere near perfect and even though I feel like my prayers have been answered (b/e throughout this whole mess I was praying for a miracle, a changing of heart) but why don't I want it anymore? I mean I know why, but I feel like my love for him has diminished, apart of me that would once die for him has now died. As soon as I saw all this love he had for his new girl friend, I literally gave up all hope instantly. It hurt but so empowering because for the longest time I thought it was me. Nope.

He loved someone else and from the very start of this relationship I told him I'd fight for him, unless of course there was no room me anymore. Obviously.

Anywho. Whenever I have the energy to go into details I will......not so much for the world to see but for me. Not like anyone I know personally reads this, but it's nice to have a record of things to look back on.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Arrr, the salty fresh sea air! Arrr!

WE'RE GOING TO THE BOARDWALK TODAY, WOOT-WOOT! (wtf does that mean anyways?) Adios chores and errands, hello sunshine, breeze and over priced trinckets you win at the rigged games! I'm coming skeeball!!!

ps-ill update as soon as the little monsters (i say that will all the love in the world btw) are put to bed tonight, hmmk? aweswome!

Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm here, I'm weird, get use to it!

Well these past couple weeks have been a doozy, (sp?) and so I'll try to stitch all the major events into a big ol' blogtage goodiness (blog + montage = blogtage, catchy eh?). That's what I'm here for right people? Riiiiight...

Love: He's an steaming pile of arrogance with a side of disallusionment, and for desert here's a tastey treat, denial!!! Woo hoo! "Just another day, just another day." As much as I hart him there's nothing comical about the type of hubby he really is, comparing of course to Peter Griffin or Homer Simpson. His antics aren't cheeky, and him trying to make a bad decision acceptible by making witty yet totally off the topic remarks make me question why so many people love men who are really like that. I mean this isn't a friggin cartoon. I wish it was, because then poof our insane lives would be a hit. Instead it's a miss and a half. Like I said, the man has got my heart but how the hell do I get it back? Further more, if I could get it back would I? Am I too comfortable with the bottom falling through and settling with utter disappointment? Yessum.

Parenting: NOTE TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO PROCREATE HIRE A MAID!!! 'Nuff said. I would take pictures of the endless mount Everest like laundry pile that overwhelms me on a daily basis buuuut you wouldn't believe me. By far the worst part of parenting is that children nowadays have way to many clothes, and they are much much more cooler and stylish than my own, gasp! Yep-yep, epic fail. Otherwise they're my whole world and even though they make me question my sanity every single hour, and my patience seems to only clock in after I take a smoke break (heh, what? I just started and am already trying to quit, kudos for me damn it! btw the rumors aren't true, as in she smokes she pokes? hahaha, when did getting laid ever become a catch phrase with a cancer stick? because if that were the case I'd be a chimney long ago. lol) I still love my little ones with an endless supply of er, lub.

Faith: Hmm. Hmmmmm. Ah-hmmm. Interesting. Hmmmmm. There you have it folks. It's a work in progress, literally and I'm still shall we say "finding myself" in this arena. But I will make this much known on my spiritual journey, it's either "feast or famine". Your wheels turning yet? Excellant.

LnG: Who am I? Really. Idk. You tell me. Not. Ok, maybe. Ugh. Let's start by writing down everything that pops into my twisted melon and see how far this can go.

21 years old and have yet to order my first "legal" drink.
Has 2 chitlens, who are seriously the cats meeeeow.
Just learned I'm actually 5' and a quarter?
25 lbs away from my goal, friggin sweet.
Obviously manic depressive/bipolar.
Slightly unmanagable but wonderfully quirky.
Am unsuccessfully married to a cheataholic aka sex addict.
Horrible with anything textbook.
Dyslexic beyound repair.
Hates cooking.
Loves getting out in nature.
Wants to learn how to kick ass, Jet Li style.
Procrasinator through and through.
Stretch marks bombard every inch that was once youthful skin.
Am socially awkward and there lies no humor behind that whatsoever. (ok just a little)
Insomnia isn't a condition, it's a way of life!
Small time writer, currently working on a Zombie story. (stfu, it'll be better than Twilight and Harry Potter combined, you'll see! Herumph-Humbug!)

Meh. This is getting me nowhere. All that's been epiphanied is this, I was going nowhere 4 years ago and fast. Just got out of a relationship with a guy twice my age and was working on finding my way, my purpose. For some strange reason my 2 1/2 years fling with the ex gave me a temporary identity and since we were through I was nothing. In comes my current squeeze, whom I dearly love but also despise, and he's all wrong for me. Bad boy with nothing to offer but warmth in the middle of a cold night. Some how back then that was my "destiny". Even though I was going to school to become the next Ric Baker. (Special effects makeup was my life, for about 4 months) I got hitched, got preggors, got cheated on, went to therapy, got preggors again, he left for war, had an affair that led to our almost-divorce, wants me back and now I am here, broken down in limbo without a spare. All I have to show for it are the two best things that will ever happen to me, thing 1 and thing 2 respectivly. Dreams of being on set making hideous zombies or killer vampires no longer fill my head, diapers and baba's do. And as much as I wanna make things work, for whatever reason I'm still not sure, it's much easier for me to just "live and let die". I fought for so long to make a real go at this but it's crystal clear. I'm back at square 1. Who am I? I thought I was a multimedia makeup artist that married her soul mate and had children who were wanted versus denied. Yet I'm stuck on what will be in the upcoming months. If we go our seperate ways, I'll still be a 20 something disabled divorced single mother of 2, a drop out a nobody. It's not something I'm actually proud about, in my prime yet so far past it. This can't be it. There has to be more. Is this what my kids get to look up to, some one who is genuinely a good person but made one too many small mistakes that gathered into a snowball of shittiness? Where's the re-do button?! I can't be this way forever, it's embarrassing and depressing and humiliating and a lot of other ing's. Damn it.

At this very moment I've only established one tiny silly thing to look forward to and that's joining the local gym to begin recreating the new me.....even if it's starting outside-in. There's nothing wrong with the old me except I'm not proud of what I've become. Who would be?
Bottom line is I look in the mirror every day with regret. I'm not a catch. Seriously, I'm me and I don't even like me.....soon though. If I have to use the force or do 1000 cart wheels, either way there's bound to be change.

Learn From Yesterday, Live For Today, Hope For Tomorrow

ps my spelling sux, u dont have to point it out it's a given lol

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I don't know what I'm supposed to write about or where to go with this blog. I'm so many things, a mother, a wife, a twin, a dog lover, a christian, a maniac, etc. This was supposed to just be an outlet for my life, as diverse as it is I'm not sure where to begin. Only one thing comes to mind, focusing on one thing at a time....the substance may seem mish-mosh and uneven. Hence the dysfunctional! First things first...
Parenting: "Squish" and "Tiny" are well. Went to a little birthday party for Z a cute 3 year old kid to my sisters buddy. Brought the whole caravan of girls and it was ok. (minimal screaming, fussiness always, but still got along with everyone, whew!) We were late and it was awkward not knowing anyone. So, of course I felt out of place because I was wearing my old ripped and chains jeans with a well worn faded band tee from my high school days. On top of greasy pony tail hair and bangs I styled myself (haha), wild and untamed flie aways/frizzyness due to the bodacious wind completed the look. Heh. Everyone there was wearing "labeled" and ironed attire. Not that I normally care, but feeling their eyes burn through me as they strain to identify my style and ultimately compare me to their superior taste...yea, judgement is hard to escape in a room full of people who don't know you and who have only your exterior to determine what they think your interior is. Self esteem issue? Yes please! Any hoo, Squishey was for the most part independently playing in Z's play room (which is like the Garden of Eden for kids 5 and younger, Paradise!) and we were playing toss the baby with Tiny, whom by the end of the evening had been held by everyone who attended this low key event. I'm grateful to just get out of the house so it was indeed a good time, but uncomfortable. Wasn't exactly at the top of my game and I know it shouldn't matter but I'm lonely and need new friends damn it! I'm horrible at dating and this felt like a failed attempt at reeling in a potential bestie. Dating by the way, can be platonic. Testing the waters to see if we're buoyant, you know? Was so not prepared but I did get a number! Maybe I'll call in a few days to orchestrate a play date? Can't call too soon, they'll think I'm too needy or even stalkerishy....calling too late may seem a bit like they were a last resort. Gotta do it just right, and that's where I crash and burn! I s-u-c-k at meeting new people and trying to make new friend's is exhausting. Really. Most of my friend's I've had since grade school or met through friend's of friend's. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me?"
Faith: Ok, here's the 411. I was born and raised Roman Catholic, went to parochial school off and on throughout my life and have done everything that's required by the book in the eyes of the Church (all except marriage, needs convalidation). There's a recurring theme in this department and I'm struggling to come to terms with my faith. I'd much rather just be spiritual and morally right. Go from there, see? But that's not how this all goes down, feels like I must choose a side to be accepted in for my beliefs. All christian denominations fit and at the same time none of them fit. So effin weird, I feel sofa king we tod ed. Lutherans seem like they are logically sane, priest can have a wife and family. Roman Catholic 0, Lutherans 1. Yet, Baptists are very much for the Living Word of God versus having a supposed "infallible" man create small print with terms and conditions to ones faith. Baptists 1, Roman Catholic 0. Hmm....nondenominational churches are so empowering and creates such a protective warm blanket of faith to fall back on. Their almost force full, aggressive approach about domestic issues aren't my cup of tea, Catholic church though keeps me sin free in exchange for some one on one time at confession and the occasional donation at Sunday mass. I don't have a clue, the search continues....OH! I'd loooove to be apart of Jews for Jesus! Sadly I found out that one must be first great grand mother was....can't that count? Makes sense to me, Jesus was a Jew and celebrated Jewish traditions and holidays accordingly. Everything is kosher and Christmas aka Hanukkah is stretched from one night of toy madness to eight! Come on! I think if anything, I should start a Gentiles for Jews for Jesus. Alrighty then!
Love: Virtually non existent except for the occasional texts/emails/im's "i luvs u". Not to say that it's a huge leap from not saying anything at all for the past oh, 8 months. Yea I sure know how to pick 'em. Another topic for another day, because I can assure you it'll be a doozy!
LnG: (Life in General) My newest mantra is "i hate my life" and it's not a suicidal cry for help. It's a misunderstood frustrated remark. What I mean is I hate where my life is and where it's going (dont get me wrong, i appreciate all that i have). Most of all it's my procrastination that's eating me alive, and do a great job of beating myself up every chance I get. Tell you this much, it's easier to be self hating than self loving. Easier also to start to believe what people say about you if it's said enough. I've been stretched too far and have too many things that are solely riding on me. The weight of the world has been blindly placed onto my shoulders and crushing me deep down a dark hole where I can seethe with pessimism. Can't fix anything, let alone finish what I started, nothing is ever left alone or clean and reorganizing repeatedly through out one day is overwhelming. LnG isn't ideal and truth be told as of now it wont get any better. Yawn I know but doing this by yourself isn't a walk in the park. More like a walk in a crowded, messy, sweaty jungle with two monkeys on your back and hidden animals every where that hungry for your flesh, ones that wait for your defenses to drop so they can attack. I'm referring to a lot of people and circumstances here.

Is there any regrets, yea a few. But it's not like I focus on them daily....not usually at least. Recently has just been a stressful time for anyone. Shitty economy, shittier generation.
-Strange Girl

ps- i just now nodded off on my key drool much?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Hey, wanna to chat?

Hey everyone it's Strange Girl! This chat was set up for some healthy exposure to my newly created blog It's not much but with your help and support we can really turn up the heat! Have a question, ask! Got something to chew on, throw it at me!

Blogs Are Special

I am currently blog hoping when I should be, sleep when you're dead. Yea, so this can get addicting and I have NO idea why? Geez, I'm like some crazed stalker looking for interesting blogs. Warning, I've managed to accidentally come across a few unsavory ones. Too gross to even waste finger functions lol. I'm off to bed, but I will say this. I have not a clue as how to add other's peoples blogs which I enjoy to my reading list. Yes I googled it and am too friggin tired to even try and bother with it. Tomorrow a new day, a new task.....more like in 5 hours a cranky me with a messy room and procrastination. Hate to admit that too, maybe in another post. 'Tis my weakness and own pet peeve. I exploit time that should be well spent doing productive chores or errands. Instead I will myself to mind numbing Internet shananigans in some desperate hope to enjoy myself. Failure every time I notice it's doing nothing but enabling selfish little old me. Again, another post....later!