Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm here, I'm weird, get use to it!

Well these past couple weeks have been a doozy, (sp?) and so I'll try to stitch all the major events into a big ol' blogtage goodiness (blog + montage = blogtage, catchy eh?). That's what I'm here for right people? Riiiiight...

Love: He's an steaming pile of arrogance with a side of disallusionment, and for desert here's a tastey treat, denial!!! Woo hoo! "Just another day, just another day." As much as I hart him there's nothing comical about the type of hubby he really is, comparing of course to Peter Griffin or Homer Simpson. His antics aren't cheeky, and him trying to make a bad decision acceptible by making witty yet totally off the topic remarks make me question why so many people love men who are really like that. I mean this isn't a friggin cartoon. I wish it was, because then poof our insane lives would be a hit. Instead it's a miss and a half. Like I said, the man has got my heart but how the hell do I get it back? Further more, if I could get it back would I? Am I too comfortable with the bottom falling through and settling with utter disappointment? Yessum.

Parenting: NOTE TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO PROCREATE HIRE A MAID!!! 'Nuff said. I would take pictures of the endless mount Everest like laundry pile that overwhelms me on a daily basis buuuut you wouldn't believe me. By far the worst part of parenting is that children nowadays have way to many clothes, and they are much much more cooler and stylish than my own, gasp! Yep-yep, epic fail. Otherwise they're my whole world and even though they make me question my sanity every single hour, and my patience seems to only clock in after I take a smoke break (heh, what? I just started and am already trying to quit, kudos for me damn it! btw the rumors aren't true, as in she smokes she pokes? hahaha, when did getting laid ever become a catch phrase with a cancer stick? because if that were the case I'd be a chimney long ago. lol) I still love my little ones with an endless supply of er, lub.

Faith: Hmm. Hmmmmm. Ah-hmmm. Interesting. Hmmmmm. There you have it folks. It's a work in progress, literally and I'm still shall we say "finding myself" in this arena. But I will make this much known on my spiritual journey, it's either "feast or famine". Your wheels turning yet? Excellant.

LnG: Who am I? Really. Idk. You tell me. Not. Ok, maybe. Ugh. Let's start by writing down everything that pops into my twisted melon and see how far this can go.

21 years old and have yet to order my first "legal" drink.
Has 2 chitlens, who are seriously the cats meeeeow.
Just learned I'm actually 5' and a quarter?
25 lbs away from my goal, friggin sweet.
Obviously manic depressive/bipolar.
Slightly unmanagable but wonderfully quirky.
Am unsuccessfully married to a cheataholic aka sex addict.
Horrible with anything textbook.
Dyslexic beyound repair.
Hates cooking.
Loves getting out in nature.
Wants to learn how to kick ass, Jet Li style.
Procrasinator through and through.
Stretch marks bombard every inch that was once youthful skin.
Am socially awkward and there lies no humor behind that whatsoever. (ok just a little)
Insomnia isn't a condition, it's a way of life!
Small time writer, currently working on a Zombie story. (stfu, it'll be better than Twilight and Harry Potter combined, you'll see! Herumph-Humbug!)

Meh. This is getting me nowhere. All that's been epiphanied is this, I was going nowhere 4 years ago and fast. Just got out of a relationship with a guy twice my age and was working on finding my way, my purpose. For some strange reason my 2 1/2 years fling with the ex gave me a temporary identity and since we were through I was nothing. In comes my current squeeze, whom I dearly love but also despise, and he's all wrong for me. Bad boy with nothing to offer but warmth in the middle of a cold night. Some how back then that was my "destiny". Even though I was going to school to become the next Ric Baker. (Special effects makeup was my life, for about 4 months) I got hitched, got preggors, got cheated on, went to therapy, got preggors again, he left for war, had an affair that led to our almost-divorce, wants me back and now I am here, broken down in limbo without a spare. All I have to show for it are the two best things that will ever happen to me, thing 1 and thing 2 respectivly. Dreams of being on set making hideous zombies or killer vampires no longer fill my head, diapers and baba's do. And as much as I wanna make things work, for whatever reason I'm still not sure, it's much easier for me to just "live and let die". I fought for so long to make a real go at this but it's crystal clear. I'm back at square 1. Who am I? I thought I was a multimedia makeup artist that married her soul mate and had children who were wanted versus denied. Yet I'm stuck on what will be in the upcoming months. If we go our seperate ways, I'll still be a 20 something disabled divorced single mother of 2, a drop out a nobody. It's not something I'm actually proud about, in my prime yet so far past it. This can't be it. There has to be more. Is this what my kids get to look up to, some one who is genuinely a good person but made one too many small mistakes that gathered into a snowball of shittiness? Where's the re-do button?! I can't be this way forever, it's embarrassing and depressing and humiliating and a lot of other ing's. Damn it.

At this very moment I've only established one tiny silly thing to look forward to and that's joining the local gym to begin recreating the new me.....even if it's starting outside-in. There's nothing wrong with the old me except I'm not proud of what I've become. Who would be?
Bottom line is I look in the mirror every day with regret. I'm not a catch. Seriously, I'm me and I don't even like me.....soon though. If I have to use the force or do 1000 cart wheels, either way there's bound to be change.

Learn From Yesterday, Live For Today, Hope For Tomorrow

ps my spelling sux, u dont have to point it out it's a given lol

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