Monday, May 18, 2009

Just a quick suggestion....

....and this may seem wrong coming from a christian/catholic/whateverIam, if you can avoid getting married. At least not until you really REALLY know someone. I also suggest that you fall for someone when they're having an off moment, you know not at their best. Because once you see the worst and can survive it ok, you can deffiently follow through with the best.

Marriage to me was huge and important and everything. But if the other partner takes a lax view point about that kind of commitment, it's best to avoid it altogether. Getting a ring or a fancy dress or a nice reception can be done without that kind of leap until you actually KNOW and LOVE them for who they are, no matter what.
-Strange Girl


So no board walk, instead by the time I arrived it was a little late for the youngins to be going out. We just stayed in, bbqed and had some yummy wine while the kids ran around in utter bliss, occasinally eating blue chalk. (and ONLY the blue ones.) That needs to be investigated lol b/e these chitlens thought it was better than crack on a stick hahaha. jk of course.

I am alarmed that my oldest is very much so into kissing people long and hard, mind you she thinks is a vicious knee slapper but I've got this gutt feeling that by the time she's in school, she'll have kissed all the boys before the day is done. She loves giving everyone kisses but at a birthday party her smooching was mainly on her (not related) cousin. They'd snuggle up together and she'd go to town on him, nothing gross or obscene but it was still like "omgosh, should I stop this?" Understandably she has not a clue as to what any of it implies, she just loves to love. Once the little boy (God bless his heart) got uncomfortable and was no longer giggleing along I ripped her off of him, "Ha, ha ok sweetie, thats enough. Give mommy kiss, not him!" lol Wow, it's begun and I'm just in awe. Too many disney flicks, damn you Walt!!! Not even 2 yet and she's a hopeless romantic. We're screwed. <3 style="font-style: italic;">this too shall pass....please?)

My hubby will be home soon, for good. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this one. This past year he's been distant, emotionally abusive, greedy, selfish and deceptive. The list could actually go on to a decent sized paragraph about what he's actually been to me buuut that would be me bitching, like I don't already do that enough? All I can say is this, it's one thing to have a one night stand, and it's another to cruelily try to throw away your whole family for another woman you've been having an affair with for the past year plus. Not to mention telling her we were already divorced and saying he never wanted anything to do with the baby that was still baking in my womb. Yea, he told everyone once they found out I was expecting again (I was about 7 months along and they had no idea, gee you would think a father would be thrilled about it) that it wasn't his fault I got knocked up and it was all my idea. Ha, and even better, I was apparently sleeping with my creepy next door neighbor (someone who I've had to call the police on twice) while carrying his unborn child and taking care of the other one. Yea. He randomly told me out of the blue through an email that he wanted a divorce because he wanted to be happy, he was doing what was best for him and that he's following his heart. Swore up and down that he wasn't leaving for anyone else......yet that's what was really going on. To make it so much worse, it put me in the hospital at 5 months pregnant because I was devastated and they couldn't find the heart beat.....they thought I had miscarried. Yup.

So, that was just the beginning but I don't wanna go into it fully just yet. Only because I'm already shacking trying to get this all out, it still hurts tremendously and it would be a very long and hard task, another time?

That's why I'm so ehh about his homecoming. Tigers don't change their stripes, once a cheater always a cheater, sex addicts have no cure, take your pick. I don't know personally though. No one is perfect and you can't accept people in slices, you gotta take the good and the bad with anyone in your life. The Heavenly Father knows I'm nowhere near perfect and even though I feel like my prayers have been answered (b/e throughout this whole mess I was praying for a miracle, a changing of heart) but why don't I want it anymore? I mean I know why, but I feel like my love for him has diminished, apart of me that would once die for him has now died. As soon as I saw all this love he had for his new girl friend, I literally gave up all hope instantly. It hurt but so empowering because for the longest time I thought it was me. Nope.

He loved someone else and from the very start of this relationship I told him I'd fight for him, unless of course there was no room me anymore. Obviously.

Anywho. Whenever I have the energy to go into details I will......not so much for the world to see but for me. Not like anyone I know personally reads this, but it's nice to have a record of things to look back on.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Arrr, the salty fresh sea air! Arrr!

WE'RE GOING TO THE BOARDWALK TODAY, WOOT-WOOT! (wtf does that mean anyways?) Adios chores and errands, hello sunshine, breeze and over priced trinckets you win at the rigged games! I'm coming skeeball!!!

ps-ill update as soon as the little monsters (i say that will all the love in the world btw) are put to bed tonight, hmmk? aweswome!

Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm here, I'm weird, get use to it!

Well these past couple weeks have been a doozy, (sp?) and so I'll try to stitch all the major events into a big ol' blogtage goodiness (blog + montage = blogtage, catchy eh?). That's what I'm here for right people? Riiiiight...

Love: He's an steaming pile of arrogance with a side of disallusionment, and for desert here's a tastey treat, denial!!! Woo hoo! "Just another day, just another day." As much as I hart him there's nothing comical about the type of hubby he really is, comparing of course to Peter Griffin or Homer Simpson. His antics aren't cheeky, and him trying to make a bad decision acceptible by making witty yet totally off the topic remarks make me question why so many people love men who are really like that. I mean this isn't a friggin cartoon. I wish it was, because then poof our insane lives would be a hit. Instead it's a miss and a half. Like I said, the man has got my heart but how the hell do I get it back? Further more, if I could get it back would I? Am I too comfortable with the bottom falling through and settling with utter disappointment? Yessum.

Parenting: NOTE TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO PROCREATE HIRE A MAID!!! 'Nuff said. I would take pictures of the endless mount Everest like laundry pile that overwhelms me on a daily basis buuuut you wouldn't believe me. By far the worst part of parenting is that children nowadays have way to many clothes, and they are much much more cooler and stylish than my own, gasp! Yep-yep, epic fail. Otherwise they're my whole world and even though they make me question my sanity every single hour, and my patience seems to only clock in after I take a smoke break (heh, what? I just started and am already trying to quit, kudos for me damn it! btw the rumors aren't true, as in she smokes she pokes? hahaha, when did getting laid ever become a catch phrase with a cancer stick? because if that were the case I'd be a chimney long ago. lol) I still love my little ones with an endless supply of er, lub.

Faith: Hmm. Hmmmmm. Ah-hmmm. Interesting. Hmmmmm. There you have it folks. It's a work in progress, literally and I'm still shall we say "finding myself" in this arena. But I will make this much known on my spiritual journey, it's either "feast or famine". Your wheels turning yet? Excellant.

LnG: Who am I? Really. Idk. You tell me. Not. Ok, maybe. Ugh. Let's start by writing down everything that pops into my twisted melon and see how far this can go.

21 years old and have yet to order my first "legal" drink.
Has 2 chitlens, who are seriously the cats meeeeow.
Just learned I'm actually 5' and a quarter?
25 lbs away from my goal, friggin sweet.
Obviously manic depressive/bipolar.
Slightly unmanagable but wonderfully quirky.
Am unsuccessfully married to a cheataholic aka sex addict.
Horrible with anything textbook.
Dyslexic beyound repair.
Hates cooking.
Loves getting out in nature.
Wants to learn how to kick ass, Jet Li style.
Procrasinator through and through.
Stretch marks bombard every inch that was once youthful skin.
Am socially awkward and there lies no humor behind that whatsoever. (ok just a little)
Insomnia isn't a condition, it's a way of life!
Small time writer, currently working on a Zombie story. (stfu, it'll be better than Twilight and Harry Potter combined, you'll see! Herumph-Humbug!)

Meh. This is getting me nowhere. All that's been epiphanied is this, I was going nowhere 4 years ago and fast. Just got out of a relationship with a guy twice my age and was working on finding my way, my purpose. For some strange reason my 2 1/2 years fling with the ex gave me a temporary identity and since we were through I was nothing. In comes my current squeeze, whom I dearly love but also despise, and he's all wrong for me. Bad boy with nothing to offer but warmth in the middle of a cold night. Some how back then that was my "destiny". Even though I was going to school to become the next Ric Baker. (Special effects makeup was my life, for about 4 months) I got hitched, got preggors, got cheated on, went to therapy, got preggors again, he left for war, had an affair that led to our almost-divorce, wants me back and now I am here, broken down in limbo without a spare. All I have to show for it are the two best things that will ever happen to me, thing 1 and thing 2 respectivly. Dreams of being on set making hideous zombies or killer vampires no longer fill my head, diapers and baba's do. And as much as I wanna make things work, for whatever reason I'm still not sure, it's much easier for me to just "live and let die". I fought for so long to make a real go at this but it's crystal clear. I'm back at square 1. Who am I? I thought I was a multimedia makeup artist that married her soul mate and had children who were wanted versus denied. Yet I'm stuck on what will be in the upcoming months. If we go our seperate ways, I'll still be a 20 something disabled divorced single mother of 2, a drop out a nobody. It's not something I'm actually proud about, in my prime yet so far past it. This can't be it. There has to be more. Is this what my kids get to look up to, some one who is genuinely a good person but made one too many small mistakes that gathered into a snowball of shittiness? Where's the re-do button?! I can't be this way forever, it's embarrassing and depressing and humiliating and a lot of other ing's. Damn it.

At this very moment I've only established one tiny silly thing to look forward to and that's joining the local gym to begin recreating the new me.....even if it's starting outside-in. There's nothing wrong with the old me except I'm not proud of what I've become. Who would be?
Bottom line is I look in the mirror every day with regret. I'm not a catch. Seriously, I'm me and I don't even like me.....soon though. If I have to use the force or do 1000 cart wheels, either way there's bound to be change.

Learn From Yesterday, Live For Today, Hope For Tomorrow

ps my spelling sux, u dont have to point it out it's a given lol