Monday, May 18, 2009


So no board walk, instead by the time I arrived it was a little late for the youngins to be going out. We just stayed in, bbqed and had some yummy wine while the kids ran around in utter bliss, occasinally eating blue chalk. (and ONLY the blue ones.) That needs to be investigated lol b/e these chitlens thought it was better than crack on a stick hahaha. jk of course.

I am alarmed that my oldest is very much so into kissing people long and hard, mind you she thinks is a vicious knee slapper but I've got this gutt feeling that by the time she's in school, she'll have kissed all the boys before the day is done. She loves giving everyone kisses but at a birthday party her smooching was mainly on her (not related) cousin. They'd snuggle up together and she'd go to town on him, nothing gross or obscene but it was still like "omgosh, should I stop this?" Understandably she has not a clue as to what any of it implies, she just loves to love. Once the little boy (God bless his heart) got uncomfortable and was no longer giggleing along I ripped her off of him, "Ha, ha ok sweetie, thats enough. Give mommy kiss, not him!" lol Wow, it's begun and I'm just in awe. Too many disney flicks, damn you Walt!!! Not even 2 yet and she's a hopeless romantic. We're screwed. <3 style="font-style: italic;">this too shall pass....please?)

My hubby will be home soon, for good. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this one. This past year he's been distant, emotionally abusive, greedy, selfish and deceptive. The list could actually go on to a decent sized paragraph about what he's actually been to me buuut that would be me bitching, like I don't already do that enough? All I can say is this, it's one thing to have a one night stand, and it's another to cruelily try to throw away your whole family for another woman you've been having an affair with for the past year plus. Not to mention telling her we were already divorced and saying he never wanted anything to do with the baby that was still baking in my womb. Yea, he told everyone once they found out I was expecting again (I was about 7 months along and they had no idea, gee you would think a father would be thrilled about it) that it wasn't his fault I got knocked up and it was all my idea. Ha, and even better, I was apparently sleeping with my creepy next door neighbor (someone who I've had to call the police on twice) while carrying his unborn child and taking care of the other one. Yea. He randomly told me out of the blue through an email that he wanted a divorce because he wanted to be happy, he was doing what was best for him and that he's following his heart. Swore up and down that he wasn't leaving for anyone else......yet that's what was really going on. To make it so much worse, it put me in the hospital at 5 months pregnant because I was devastated and they couldn't find the heart beat.....they thought I had miscarried. Yup.

So, that was just the beginning but I don't wanna go into it fully just yet. Only because I'm already shacking trying to get this all out, it still hurts tremendously and it would be a very long and hard task, another time?

That's why I'm so ehh about his homecoming. Tigers don't change their stripes, once a cheater always a cheater, sex addicts have no cure, take your pick. I don't know personally though. No one is perfect and you can't accept people in slices, you gotta take the good and the bad with anyone in your life. The Heavenly Father knows I'm nowhere near perfect and even though I feel like my prayers have been answered (b/e throughout this whole mess I was praying for a miracle, a changing of heart) but why don't I want it anymore? I mean I know why, but I feel like my love for him has diminished, apart of me that would once die for him has now died. As soon as I saw all this love he had for his new girl friend, I literally gave up all hope instantly. It hurt but so empowering because for the longest time I thought it was me. Nope.

He loved someone else and from the very start of this relationship I told him I'd fight for him, unless of course there was no room me anymore. Obviously.

Anywho. Whenever I have the energy to go into details I will......not so much for the world to see but for me. Not like anyone I know personally reads this, but it's nice to have a record of things to look back on.

1 comment:

  1. wow I'm so sorry to read about all this :( love is tricky huh, ya live ya learn though, I hate that we have to learn the hard way sometimes. -faith