I don't know what I'm supposed to write about or where to go with this blog. I'm so many things, a mother, a wife, a twin, a dog lover, a christian, a maniac, etc. This was supposed to just be an outlet for my life, as diverse as it is I'm not sure where to begin. Only one thing comes to mind, focusing on one thing at a time....the substance may seem mish-mosh and uneven. Hence the dysfunctional! First things first...
Parenting: "Squish" and "Tiny" are well. Went to a little birthday party for Z a cute 3 year old kid to my sisters buddy. Brought the whole caravan of girls and it was ok. (minimal screaming, fussiness always, but still got along with everyone, whew!) We were late and it was awkward not knowing anyone. So, of course I felt out of place because I was wearing my old ripped and chains jeans with a well worn faded band tee from my high school days. On top of greasy pony tail hair and bangs I styled myself (haha), wild and untamed flie aways/frizzyness due to the bodacious wind completed the look. Heh. Everyone there was wearing "labeled" and ironed attire. Not that I normally care, but feeling their eyes burn through me as they strain to identify my style and ultimately compare me to their superior taste...yea, judgement is hard to escape in a room full of people who don't know you and who have only your exterior to determine what they think your interior is. Self esteem issue? Yes please! Any hoo, Squishey was for the most part independently playing in Z's play room (which is like the Garden of Eden for kids 5 and younger, Paradise!) and we were playing toss the baby with Tiny, whom by the end of the evening had been held by everyone who attended this low key event. I'm grateful to just get out of the house so it was indeed a good time, but uncomfortable. Wasn't exactly at the top of my game and I know it shouldn't matter but I'm lonely and need new friends damn it! I'm horrible at dating and this felt like a failed attempt at reeling in a potential bestie. Dating by the way, can be platonic. Testing the waters to see if we're buoyant, you know? Was so not prepared but I did get a number! Maybe I'll call in a few days to orchestrate a play date? Can't call too soon, they'll think I'm too needy or even stalkerishy....calling too late may seem a bit like they were a last resort. Gotta do it just right, and that's where I crash and burn! I s-u-c-k at meeting new people and trying to make new friend's is exhausting. Really. Most of my friend's I've had since grade school or met through friend's of friend's. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me?"
Faith: Ok, here's the 411. I was born and raised Roman Catholic, went to parochial school off and on throughout my life and have done everything that's required by the book in the eyes of the Church (all except marriage, needs convalidation). There's a recurring theme in this department and I'm struggling to come to terms with my faith. I'd much rather just be spiritual and morally right. Go from there, see? But that's not how this all goes down, feels like I must choose a side to be accepted in for my beliefs. All christian denominations fit and at the same time none of them fit. So effin weird, I feel sofa king we tod ed. Lutherans seem like they are logically sane, priest can have a wife and family. Roman Catholic 0, Lutherans 1. Yet, Baptists are very much for the Living Word of God versus having a supposed "infallible" man create small print with terms and conditions to ones faith. Baptists 1, Roman Catholic 0. Hmm....nondenominational churches are so empowering and creates such a protective warm blanket of faith to fall back on. Their almost force full, aggressive approach about domestic issues aren't my cup of tea, Catholic church though keeps me sin free in exchange for some one on one time at confession and the occasional donation at Sunday mass. I don't have a clue, the search continues....OH! I'd loooove to be apart of Jews for Jesus! Sadly I found out that one must be first Jewish.....my great grand mother was....can't that count? Makes sense to me, Jesus was a Jew and celebrated Jewish traditions and holidays accordingly. Everything is kosher and Christmas aka Hanukkah is stretched from one night of toy madness to eight! Come on! I think if anything, I should start a Gentiles for Jews for Jesus. Alrighty then!
Love: Virtually non existent except for the occasional texts/emails/im's "i luvs u". Not to say that it's a huge leap from not saying anything at all for the past oh, 8 months. Yea I sure know how to pick 'em. Another topic for another day, because I can assure you it'll be a doozy!
LnG: (Life in General) My newest mantra is "i hate my life" and it's not a suicidal cry for help. It's a misunderstood frustrated remark. What I mean is I hate where my life is and where it's going (dont get me wrong, i appreciate all that i have). Most of all it's my procrastination that's eating me alive, and do a great job of beating myself up every chance I get. Tell you this much, it's easier to be self hating than self loving. Easier also to start to believe what people say about you if it's said enough. I've been stretched too far and have too many things that are solely riding on me. The weight of the world has been blindly placed onto my shoulders and crushing me deep down a dark hole where I can seethe with pessimism. Can't fix anything, let alone finish what I started, nothing is ever left alone or clean and reorganizing repeatedly through out one day is overwhelming. LnG isn't ideal and truth be told as of now it wont get any better. Yawn I know but doing this by yourself isn't a walk in the park. More like a walk in a crowded, messy, sweaty jungle with two monkeys on your back and hidden animals every where that hungry for your flesh, ones that wait for your defenses to drop so they can attack. I'm referring to a lot of people and circumstances here.
Is there any regrets, yea a few. But it's not like I focus on them daily....not usually at least. Recently has just been a stressful time for anyone. Shitty economy, shittier generation.
-Strange Girl
ps- i just now nodded off on my key board....lol drool much?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Hey, wanna to chat?
Hey everyone it's Strange Girl! This chat was set up for some healthy exposure to my newly created blog http://strangegirlafd20sblog.blogspot.com It's not much but with your help and support we can really turn up the heat! Have a question, ask! Got something to chew on, throw it at me!
A Functioning Dysfunctional 20 Something hosted by strangegirlblog.
Chat about what's on your mind. More about public chats.
Blogs Are Special
I am currently blog hoping when I should be sleeping....eh, sleep when you're dead. Yea, so this can get addicting and I have NO idea why? Geez, I'm like some crazed stalker looking for interesting blogs. Warning, I've managed to accidentally come across a few unsavory ones. Too gross to even waste finger functions lol. I'm off to bed, but I will say this. I have not a clue as how to add other's peoples blogs which I enjoy to my reading list. Yes I googled it and am too friggin tired to even try and bother with it. Tomorrow a new day, a new task.....more like in 5 hours a cranky me with a messy room and procrastination. Hate to admit that too, maybe in another post. 'Tis my weakness and own pet peeve. I exploit time that should be well spent doing productive chores or errands. Instead I will myself to mind numbing Internet shananigans in some desperate hope to enjoy myself. Failure every time I notice it's doing nothing but enabling selfish little old me. Again, another post....later!
Allow me to introduce myself!
Well hello, hello! This is Strange Girl and her brand spanking new blog. Woo hoo! All new things are exciting and a little nerve wrecking, like the first day of school or trick or treating. Ok, wait trick or treating was waaay more fun. Got to dress up and get candy in doing so. School made me die a little inside, heh. Correction, all new things are exciting and a little nerve wrecking, like trick or treating on Halloween....only I'll be doing this everyday instead of once a year! Actually I hope to keep up on here as often as possible, but there isn't any kind of guarantee. This spewing my life on the Internet for the world to see is a passion of mine and I wish to be successful in just that! I'll know once the feed back sounds something like "you suck" or "omgosh dude i hate that" or "i friggin love you, marry me?". As you can tell anything will do to cure my self absorbed attention seeking ways lol.
In all seriousness, my very existence is but a blip on the radar but I plan to virtually wave my arms like a daft lunatic on this blog to get my point across. There is no such thing as perfect, or role model. Hell, there's no such thing as ideal or happily ever after either. At least not anymore, I'll give you that much. It is what it is, whatever it is and putting anything on a peddle stool is begging for disappoint. My life is an example of all this in motion. I use to be such a dreamer and reality felt like a hammer to fine china, they just don't mesh well together. Once I began to accept and understand the humor in this, things began to be less daunting and more so a relief. The extremist that I am, it can be some what difficult to take the middle ground.....logic only shows itself after the human instinct to do or say whatever comes to mind at first, compelled by in-the-moment emotions.
Any hoo, Strange Girl is a personal definition/title of who I am. Right now in this passing second, I feel misunderstood and looked down upon because there is nothing normal about myself. Fitting in this massive, vague society isn't a priority but almost a necessity right? Majority doesn't believe that being an unique individual (in all aspects) is something to be desired. Yet, there are those who purposely jump out side the box into a completely different universe to "stand out" because that will make them "leaders" of their own kind. It in turn stereotypes who they think they are, having no real similarity to anyone else. Then there are those who can't help but be a little different. Fame, fortune, skill, uncommon abilities, class all or just one set them apart automatically. But I think people like me fell between the cracks into a sub category. We're the largest group but some how unseen? Everyday schmoes, building blocks that make the world go round. We're nowhere near alike, little differences are huge in our group. I don't know how else to describe us. The gas station attendant, lady at the cash register, the stock boy, taxi driver, etc. We take on the worlds most use full roles but don't stick out enough to be recognized. Odd. (So that's 4 right? The Normies, UnNormies, AboveNormies, Unknowns.)
As much smack as I write (you'll soon see), realisticly everyone and their mother walk all over me. Not that I get pleasure from other peoples bull shit, and not because I'm a "nice" person. Just don't see the point in confrontation unless it's absolutely required. Guess my self esteem can range from "da shit" to "shit" in a quick minute, a bipolaresque trait. It's actually just my inherit extreme nature. Good, bad. Left, right. Sad, Happy. The in between doesn't stick around too much, but we're learning!
Bleh, the montage of everything is: A confused but determined coming of age 20 something living in the middle of nowhere, stuck in a rut, starts a blog to try make sense of things. You sold yet?
In all seriousness, my very existence is but a blip on the radar but I plan to virtually wave my arms like a daft lunatic on this blog to get my point across. There is no such thing as perfect, or role model. Hell, there's no such thing as ideal or happily ever after either. At least not anymore, I'll give you that much. It is what it is, whatever it is and putting anything on a peddle stool is begging for disappoint. My life is an example of all this in motion. I use to be such a dreamer and reality felt like a hammer to fine china, they just don't mesh well together. Once I began to accept and understand the humor in this, things began to be less daunting and more so a relief. The extremist that I am, it can be some what difficult to take the middle ground.....logic only shows itself after the human instinct to do or say whatever comes to mind at first, compelled by in-the-moment emotions.
Any hoo, Strange Girl is a personal definition/title of who I am. Right now in this passing second, I feel misunderstood and looked down upon because there is nothing normal about myself. Fitting in this massive, vague society isn't a priority but almost a necessity right? Majority doesn't believe that being an unique individual (in all aspects) is something to be desired. Yet, there are those who purposely jump out side the box into a completely different universe to "stand out" because that will make them "leaders" of their own kind. It in turn stereotypes who they think they are, having no real similarity to anyone else. Then there are those who can't help but be a little different. Fame, fortune, skill, uncommon abilities, class all or just one set them apart automatically. But I think people like me fell between the cracks into a sub category. We're the largest group but some how unseen? Everyday schmoes, building blocks that make the world go round. We're nowhere near alike, little differences are huge in our group. I don't know how else to describe us. The gas station attendant, lady at the cash register, the stock boy, taxi driver, etc. We take on the worlds most use full roles but don't stick out enough to be recognized. Odd. (So that's 4 right? The Normies, UnNormies, AboveNormies, Unknowns.)
As much smack as I write (you'll soon see), realisticly everyone and their mother walk all over me. Not that I get pleasure from other peoples bull shit, and not because I'm a "nice" person. Just don't see the point in confrontation unless it's absolutely required. Guess my self esteem can range from "da shit" to "shit" in a quick minute, a bipolaresque trait. It's actually just my inherit extreme nature. Good, bad. Left, right. Sad, Happy. The in between doesn't stick around too much, but we're learning!
Bleh, the montage of everything is: A confused but determined coming of age 20 something living in the middle of nowhere, stuck in a rut, starts a blog to try make sense of things. You sold yet?
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